It's funny how I actually consider it a privelledge to be able to check my phone without being in fear that I've missed a call or a few from Carter. Missing one of his phone calls was just not on, no matter what time of day or night it happened to be. To him, an unanswered phone call translates to something along the lines of she must be cheating on me, and no explanation from my behalf was ever even acknowledged. No, it couldn't possibly make sense that I was asleep in the middle of the night or in the shower in the morning. Sarcaism intended.

It was actually an unanswered phone call from him that happened to be the last straw of our relationship. I had given up hope much earlier but was trapped inside the relationship, so it's not at all tragic that if I had of just picked up my phone then we'ld still be together. I was in the shower and he was parked outside my place the whole time, after he had only dropped me off at home a few moments earlier. He didn't even understand why I insisted that I must go home for at least a short while, me trying to persuade this short while into a few hours so I could freshen up for the new day that was to be ahead of us. He figured I should be abe to be in and out in a matter of minutes. Although I knew he was becoming very impatient, I felt like an extra long shower, I actually felt like a nice spa but I knew that would have been too far out of the question, the long shower already pushed the boundaries enough. He happened to call my mobile while I was in the middle of my shower and to his dismay, I wasn't able to hear my phone from inside the shower and didn't manage to answer his oh so precious phone call. I returned the call as soon as I finished showering but I knew immediately that he was not impressed. "I have been waiting outside your house for almost an hour and you don't answer your phone, why are you taking so long? Are you ready yet?" he rattled off as soon as he accepted my call, in a very unsettled tone of voice. "I just had a shower, I was under the water when you called, sorry, I didn't hear the phone, I still have to dress myself and fix my hair and some other things, I might still be a while", I knew he would have difficulties understanding why I couldn't just leave already, but I was sick of being suffocated 24/7 and neglecting myself. "What on earth d you mean you might still be a while? I have been waiting outside for you all this time like a idiot and you are still not ready?"; this clearly wasn't my fault! "I didn't ask you to wait outside, I told you to go home for a while and I'd call you when I was ready", fat chance he would be able to go home and relax while his mind wandered to all sorts of scenarios I could have landed myself in while he wasn't constantly watching over me. "I don't know what your up to" and I couldn't quite make sense of whatever else he mumbled, but it ddin't sound too sweet, and I was sure he hanged up on me but he later denied hanging up. Anyway, I thought he'd hung up on me so I allocated the whole day to myself, in the slim hope that he'd decided to leave me alone for once. I was relaxing in my room for no more than 5 minutes when I heard someone at the front door, I didn't have to think very hard to work out it would be Carter. I opened to find him standing there fuming "You're still not ready? What have you been doing? Hurry up I'll be outside in the car waiting for you!". I really thought he'd gone already, "You hung up on me, I thought you didn't want me to come out anymore so I was just relaxing". He jumped to the conclusion that I was trying to madden him and informed me that he didn't hang up on me and he has been waiting the whole time. Lovely. I had to dress quicker than ever before, and run out to his car, which isn't even his car it's my friends that we so kindly let him use and he doesn't appreciate one bit at all.

Once in the car, his interrogation began. He made it blindingly obvious that he didn't believe I was in the shower and that he thought that I was messing around with somebody and that's why I missed his call. I never knew it was the norm to answer the phone while showering. Anyway, his problem not mine, even though I am a bit hurt that he thinks such things that he does about me. The whole day dragged out to what felt like the longest day I've ever lived, even though I was home by 9 pm. I tried to convince him to let us go our separate ways at around 2 in the afternoon, but he was adamant that we should spend the whole day together. He claimed to believe that he could smell "rubber and oil" on me, which is all down to his severe paranoia problem and I know it's not his fault and he can't help it but it was too much for me to try to work a relationship around the whole time we were together. He would not hear that he may sometimes be paranoid, he thinks thats a evil plot to fool him into believing he is paranoid so that he never knows whats real and whats faker than Pamela Anderson's chest.

The thing is, he was outside my house the whole time so I obviously didn't go anywhere and noone came in, and he himself came inside the house so who knows how he works out that I managed to do the dirty behind his back without him seeing anything suspicious. I've no idea what runs through his mind but obviously nothing logical ever enters into it. He was alright to me throughout the day, it was while he drove me home that I saw a side of him I never had previously, and I never ever want to see again. He was bitter, cruel, evil. Called me names, spoke rudely to me and demanded that I pay for him to fill up his petrol and for some weed. I refused at first but I figured the easiest way out was to just obey and return home as quickly as possible. He accused me of not planning on staying home, but that I was going to meet up with other people as soon as I was away from him, which is also untrue. The only place I wanted to be was at home away from him the whole day. 

I didn't want to have to be stuck to face him, but he wouldn't let me leave even though we had already established that we would no longer be anything to eachother. Evil I say, making me suffer, having to face his harshness and wishing he would just disappear.  He can be so infuriating, I'm relieved to be out of his survellience, but it could have been achieved on a more positive note. I am irritated to think that he believes I would have betrayed him and decieved him, because I'm not like that. I tried harded that I ever have before with Carter, always tried to be there for him, obeying his ridiculous requests, answering his absurdly suspicious questions, letting him take me to hell and back and still staying by his side.

Yet he still couldn't see I was loyal to him and only him. I know it's the paranoia but it can't fully control him, can it? He must have some input into what he chooses to believe and think and witness. I feel that now that he is away from me and the whole situation, able to think for himself, he will finally realise how crazy he was towards me. This one story is only a small preview of the situations we faced and all the paranoia he suffered in relation to my going ons. It could have been a bit more significant as it is the most serious conflict we have had, and it seems rather mundane to end something that was filled with fury.

Ok ok, so I know you told me not to talk to you anymore but if you are serious then there's some things I think I would like to point out to you before I loose contact with you forever.  You are a smart boy Carter, my situation was definitely not beyond you but I am beginning to wonder if you really could read me like a book, as you told me you could. And if this remains true, then you must of just enjoyed playing with my emotions. Prior to you, I'd never slept with a guy who was only interested in getting his dick wet. Of course it was strange for me and a little difficult to get used to, well actually even too difficult for me to ever get used to. You don't constantly go on about a girl in my situation introducing you; the guy involved in the situation, to my friends and even my sisters to set you up with them (if i was going to introduce you to any of them it would have been my sisters because they are the only ones who are respectable, and I was actually in the process of talking them into meeting you properly one day and telling them positive things about you). That was just wrong and very awkward for me to be able to deal with. I'm sure you would have known this but I don't know why you kept at it for so long.

Even if I don't seem to take anything seriously from the outside, it doesn't go to say that I am not taking things to heart and extremely seriously on the inside. I told you sometimes acting dumb makes certain situations easier for me to deal with and it also helps me get out of awkward situations and be able to hide how I am really feeling by laughing it off. Hopefully now you understand what I was trying to say because while I was explaining it to you in person you seemed to not really understand how it worked or what I meant. You can't blame me for being in-experienced emotionally and physically when it comes to men! 
 
Carter, why do you dislike, or perhaps even hate me so much? As far as my knowledge indicates, I am not evil nor am I am I an embarrassment or disgrace to all humankind? You literally make me feel and think there is something horribly wrong with me thanks to the way you treat me. You judge my whole life based on the short period of time which you have known me, or so it seems. Clearly, you do not have an adequate amount of valid information with regards to me as a whole person in order for you to even have the slightest clue as to who I am.

Sure, you have recieved an ever so brief insight into one tiny and utterly insignificant slice of my life, and I hate to have to say this, but it virtually means nothing at all! I know you don't care about the real me or the me that you think I am, but unfortunately for me, I take you for a very admirable person. Yes, I am upset and disappointed with you at the moment but this still does not alter the fact that I do hold on to your every painful word; even when you think it is all going in one ear and out the other! I wish I didn't look up to you in any way at all as then I wouldn't care that I am such a wreckless girl in your eyes. I don't even know why I care, but this has always been the case for me; it's the people that put me down the most that I end up hating myself over for not being able to live up to their standards and expectations.

I have not the faintest idea why I felt the pathetic urge to tell you all of the above, apart from the over used cliche that would indicate I needed to rid myself of this burden in order to clear my head so bygones can be bygones.

Don't get me wrong again, I am well aware that very soon I will be extremely grateful, pleased and thankful towards you but until I reach that level of acceptance, at least you and I both know how it is for me at the moment. I enjoy(ed) learning from you, despite the fact that you seem devastatingly overly critical of everything I say and do, but after all, I am just one little girl all alone in a big cold world. I need absolutely all the advice I am offered, and I do appreciate it all much more than you would ever imagine.

Just a little respect and sensitivity towards my emotions from you would have been nice. Believe it or not, and think as you wish, I am well aware of a fair amount of the going-ons around me and I am not living in my own private ignorant bliss.

Now that I have my closure, thank you for your time and opening both my eyes and mind to things, even though most of them were beyond my innocence and it would have been nice to live in naivety from. Now that I realise the things that are considered normal to some people, I know I should stay where I am safe, loved, respected and appreciated by everyone around me.

Good luck with all you plans for the future, all the best and I know you have the ability to achieve and live your wildest dreams.

Stay safe, and honestly, if you ever need someone to talk to when you're down, please remember I am only a phone call away if you ever decide I'm not as satanic as you think I am at the moment, and I would wish nothing but success and happiness your way.

 I really do not understand you at all but there's something about you that keeps me unavoidably interested and intrigued and it saddens me deeply when you aren't smiling.

The reason I went away was so I could start thinking straight once again and stay as far away as possible from any distractions that will steer me in the wrong direction. It's not easy for me to kill my many bad habits so I have to try as hard as I can, and for some reason, I end up with people becoming all angry at me. I can't continue living how I was, I'm sure you understand that.

Sorry for not being perfect.

Yours truly, Tiffany.

 

Oh gaawd I dunno if it was wrong of me to send him that email or if it was the only form of closure I am able to give myself after this situation. It's not like we're really never going to talk again but i wrote it as if we weren't. I don't know if I will be able to face him again after he has read this! I'd be far too embarassed or something. I hope he understands and doesn't take it the wrong way or anything. Forgive me Carter... I hope if he reads it, he reads it properly. I sound like such a love sick teenage girl. Maybe that's exactly what I am? But he's 24, I'm sure he got over those type of girls many years ago.